Hello and welcome back to our podcast, where we discuss all things related to raising children in this fast-paced world. My name is Susan, I’ll be you narrator, sharing the expert guidance and training provided by Efrat Hazaz, a parenting consultant and co-founder of the Makes Kids Happier Center.
Today, we’re going to delve into a topic that I know has touched all of us: frustration and anger when dealing with our children.
No doubt, there have been times when you’ve felt utterly overwhelmed and immensely frustrated in situations with your children. Perhaps they were crying, upset, or yelling, and you found yourself inadvertently being swept up into the ensuing pandemonium—a whirlwind of anger, typically followed by punishments and rebukes.
If you are already familiar with my stand on this matter, you already know that I never miss a chance to assert that punishments, rebukes, and threats do not alleviate the situation; they only make it worse. We get caught in this maelstrom, leaving us helpless and unsure about what to do. But fear not, I have a solution. While it might be slightly challenging to put into practice initially, with patience and persistence, it’s very much achievable. And once you master this technique, you’ll find that managing such situations becomes significantly easier.
Imagine your child is upset, stubborn, screaming, and refusing to listen. In the midst of this chaos, there’s one thing we must strive to do: maintain our calm. We must resist being drawn into this vortex of fury. I understand—it’s incredibly challenging, especially when you’re surrounded by such intense energy. The prevailing anger can swiftly consume us, causing our mood to flip from one extreme to the other in mere seconds, without any forewarning.
Yet, facts remain unalterable. When a parent can manage their anger, they are better equipped to understand and handle their child’s anger. This, in turn, provides the child with an environment conducive to calming down more quickly.
Consider the child’s perspective. When they see a parent losing control, they can become frightened and confused. They may even assume that this is the norm—that this is how one should behave. After all, we are their primary role models, and what they see in us is what they emulate.
However, by showing our children that we can manage our anger, we teach them that it is indeed possible. They come to understand that anger is an emotion that, while it can’t be denied, it can certainly be managed! If we, as parents, can successfully control our anger, they’ll strive to learn from us.
I urge you to reflect on situations that make you lose your cool and leave you bristling with anger. Then, with sincerity and honesty, ask yourself, ‘What can help me control my anger during a disagreement with my child? What will help me find my calm?’
I encourage each one of you to identify a few strategies that work for you. Here are some examples: What might you need in that moment? Perhaps assistance from your partner? Or to be in a quiet place and distance yourself for 10 minutes? Maybe going for a walk, or saying to yourself, ‘I understand my child, I empathize with them.’ These could all potentially be helpful strategies.
And remember, involve your partner in this so you can support each other—if you need to step away from a heated situation, they can step in.
I’ll share my approach to start us off. The moment I feel my anger beginning to mount, I immediately let them know that I’m upset and need 10 minutes to regain my composure. I then leave the room. It’s crucial to remember that you need tranquility while trying to calm down—being interrupted by your children incessantly calling out, ‘Mom… Mom…’ is the last thing you need. So be clear with your needs to avoid any surprises.
There are indeed instances where I don’t feel the need to physically distance myself, particularly when I find myself entering into a situation my children are already embroiled in. Let’s take a moment to consider this scenario: my daughter is extremely upset because I forgot to buy her favorite yogurt. Now, it may not seem like a catastrophic event to us, but to her, it’s as if her world has come crashing down!
In such a situation, it’s easy for me to lose my patience and snap: ‘You’re overreacting!’ But this would only stoke her anger, making her feel misunderstood and isolated. Instead, I opt to envelop her in a comforting hug, to soothe her, and, most importantly, to apologize for my oversight. Remember, my friends, an apology is not a sign of weakness—it’s a testament to strength that helps solidify our relationship with our children.
Dealing with our children’s anger is a challenge, and this strategy is the first one you should practice at home. Once you have successfully mastered it, you can learn and adopt additional methods. More information, including a variety of courses, can be found on your MKH membership page. I particularly recommend the ‘Power Struggles’ course for further insights on this topic.
And on this note, I wrap up today’s episode. I sincerely look forward to hearing your insights and experiences. Always remember, parenting is a journey, and we can continually learn and grow to handle any situation confidently with our children.”
Until next time, this is Efrat, wishing you love, peace, and patience in your parenting journey by making your kids happier.”
