Hello parents and Welcome to our challenge-solving class on managing tantrums for children aged 2 to 10.
So, first, let’s answer the question: What is a tantrum? It’s an expression of anger, typically manifesting in children around the age of two. This phase arises when kids begin to feel they can act independently, but parents start setting boundaries. This often results in the parent saying “No” to the child! This can make the child very angry, as they feel their newfound independence is being challenged. They may not want to do something and react by yelling, falling to the floor, or even throwing objects. And parents, watching this, often feel helpless and unsure how to calm them down.
If you watched our power struggles lesson, you should already have an idea on how to handle such anger. What’s the best way to react without using too many words? How can you learn to control your own anger and that of your children? It’s important not to get drawn into a confrontation. During conversations, you can teach your children to manage their anger by setting a personal example.
Now, armed with this knowledge, it’s time to focus on how to handle tantrums during your child’s anger outbursts. The first and most crucial step is to understand the immense frustration your child is feeling at that moment. It’s challenging, but try to see things from their perspective. In their eyes, they’ve just experienced the worst thing – they didn’t get the toy or candy they wanted. They feel their independence has been denied, and their world is falling apart!
Our initial reaction to tantrums is often anger and disappointment towards the child for their intense reaction. Even if we don’t verbalize it, our feelings of helplessness are evident to the child, adding to their frustration. Why? Because they feel they don’t have anyone to help them navigate this situation. The child is trying to get something, and they’ve learned that anger outbursts may help them achieve that. Just the notion that yelling and screaming could lead us to give them what they want might encourage this behavior. Parents who quickly give in to their child’s demands, offering the toy or candy just to quiet them down, should realize this approach won’t always work!
We might think it’s better to give them what they want to prevent a tantrum because no one wants to deal with an angry child. We want to shield them and ourselves from this unpleasant experience. But remember, giving in to their demands doesn’t help in the long run. It teaches them that throwing a tantrum is an effective way to get what they want.
Another crucial thing to note is that anger often takes control during a tantrum. The child’s needs may suddenly shift during this time, and it isn’t always easy for us to understand what they need at that moment. Their tantrums and expressions of anger become known and familiar behavior to them. This behavior turns into a tool they use to get something from us.
To control this and help them, we must first show them calmness and security. We should focus on managing our own emotions and less on the child’s behavior. It’s essential to communicate a clear message to the child: “I understand you, and I’m here to help you.” This message conveys my understanding of their frustration. And I immediately reassure them, saying: “I’m here!”, “I’m your anchor”, “I’ll be here to help you once you’ve calmed down and to give you a hug!”
Staying calm is crucial. It requires a lot of effort and trust. Perhaps it won’t work perfectly the first time, but we must keep practicing. If you repeat this often enough, you will eventually be able to say it exactly as needed: “I understand you and I am here to help you!” By controlling my own anger, I’m setting a personal example for the child on how to calm down.
As we discussed in the previous lesson, it’s important to know what helps us stay calm. What can prevent us from getting swept up in the storm of anger? When the child is distressed, they need to see that their parents are sending them a message that everything is alright. We need to be there for them, to be their anchor. It’s our job to help dissipate the anger and frustration they’re experiencing. Even if they’re in the midst of a tantrum, we need to stay calm and communicate that message to them.
For example, when I say: “I understand you and I’m here to help you. Maybe you need a hug?”, they might respond with: “I don’t want one!” and reject me. However, it’s essential not to take offense and retort rudely: “OK, fine,” and walk away. No, that’s not the way! It’s important not to offend them.
At the moment, they may not know what they want. If you tell them: “I’m here to give you a hug when you’re calm,” then leave them be. Don’t stand in front of them, waiting for them to calm down. Give them the space they need, and then let them know that if they need a hug, you’ll be there to hug and kiss them as soon as they’re calm. Of course, the moment they calm down, open your arms wide and shower them with love because they’ve done an excellent job calming down!
The next step is to understand what will help them calm down when they’re angry. Remember, we talked about this too. How do we go about it? We definitely don’t do it in the heat of the moment, not during an event, nor during an outburst of anger. We do it during a conversation. This conversation is a way of providing the child with a sense of security. We’re telling them that we understand their anger. It’s something that happens to all of us, but it’s something we can control.
You can ask them, “What might help you to deal with the anger?” I suggest using a role-playing game with dolls or figures for younger children. This way, the child can demonstrate to themselves and us how they appear during a burst of anger. They can contemplate what could assist them in controlling their anger and what might help them at the moment before an outburst. Understanding them and a hug can be magical remedies.
Some children will express their need for a hug right away. My daughter, for instance, after we’ve had a discussion and figured out what might help her, conveyed to me that what she ultimately wants is a hug! And, of course, I am there to provide her comfort and a hug. She effectively conveyed this to me.
Not everyone knows how to express these needs, so we must check with each child to understand what makes them comfortable. Some children may say, “I don’t want a hug right now.” it’s OK! Maybe later; it doesn’t feel right at the moment for them!” It’s crucial to discover what feels suitable for your children. Consider this image that is attached to this page. It portrays a child who, after an angry outburst, has broken down and is crying in his mother’s arms.
We need to comprehend that children also have difficulty understanding what’s happening to them. They are often frightened by these outbursts of anger. However, with our appropriate response, they will realize that it’s not beneficial for them, and they will seek our comfort to calm down!
In conclusion, maintain your own calm! Determine what assists you in staying calm, and be a source of stability for your children! Avoid excessive talking and anger. Stay composed and convey the message that you’re there for them! Comfort them with a hug and help them calm down! During conversations, help your children comprehend what might assist them in dealing with their anger.
Help them manage it and achieve their goals. If they don’t succeed at first, don’t give up, and remain consistent! Continue until you witness their success, even if it’s just minor. Encourage them for their success! It’s a success for them if they manage to calm down after twenty minutes instead of an hour. I’ve encountered children who remain in their anger outbursts for 45 minutes or more.
Therefore, if they manage to reduce the outburst to twenty minutes, it’s an accomplishment for them! Accept it and appreciate it! Slowly, you’ll notice that they desire more positive attention from you, which is what you will provide them: encouragement, a hug, and assistance. As a result, you’ll observe that they gradually decrease the time it takes to calm down and strive to do so more quickly. Then, they suddenly calm down after ten minutes, then five, which is miraculous! Celebrate these victories!
This class is a part of our comprehensive “Power Struggle” course. If you wish to gain a deeper understanding of this challenge, including its root causes and effective solutions, I highly recommend that you either watch or listen to the full course.
